Choosing Your Life Rather Than Settling for it

When I was very young I had a relative that would doat on me. All I had to do was be cute and I would get special things. I never got everything I wanted, but what I valued most was the quality time I got to spend with this person. Whether it was swinging on the porch swing during the morning dew as the birds sang their perfected melody or it was afternoon trips to visit with the animals nearby. Sharing time with them made me feel cherished, nurtured, precious, and loved.

When I got older my time with this relative shortened and the warmth I felt from their leadership wayned. He became distant, reclusive, and angry. The flame of his guidance became an ember of what was. I didn't understand why this safe place I thought I knew so well became a bed of ashes. He felt jaded by the world and what I would have given to have that meaningful quality time with him again.

I tried to prove I was good, smart, beautiful, and special enough, but nothing. I tried to tend to and mend their wounds that had accumulated over his life like the parentified child that I was. However, nothing worked. This wall that seemed to be established overnight was here to stay and I had to learn to adjust to the change or accept that the relationship I wanted was something I was never going to get.

I had to learn that I could honor the memory of what was while also living in the reality of what is.

Yes, I was always worthy of quality time, open communication, respect, and presence, but when someone shows you over time they are unable to offer that you must walk away.

Whether it be a parent, partner, friend, or an extended family member you must always respect and prioritize your needs first. That doesn't mean we shouldn't be kind, forgiving, loving, and understanding. However, you must first offer these things to yourself. 

This is your life and you have to be the gatekeeper of who has access to it. Allow the healthy people in. Perhaps, they are the imperfectly perfect people who are actively doing the work to learn from their failures. Maybe you'll let go of those who choose stagnation and refuse to take responsibility for their actions. However, the real question is, what will you tolerate?

I can see in my life where I had felt distant from others, reclusive, and angry with the world. However, that stored resentment was a reflection of how I resented myself. I was disappointed with how I had treated others. Yes, I do not want to give excuses, but I do want to acknowledge what was going on internally.

So if you feel deeply hurt and feel angry with yourself, or you are the other person who feels left behind, ignored, undervalued, and not chosen. I see you.

For the Man or Woman Who Doesn't Feel Chosen or Prioritized. 

You must choose yourself. Everything you wanted this person to offer you you must learn to give yourself. If a family member didn't teach you to file taxes, teach yourself. If that partner didn't take you out to that restaurant you were eyeing, take yourself. The relationship you have with you is one of the most important relationships you'll ever have, and so is your relationship with God.

For The Man or Woman Who Feels Angry at Themselves and Others

I see you. I know when things don't turn out the way you hoped you might want others to feel the pain they put you through. I get it. However, what if you choose a different path? What if the pain you're going through is actually the gate unlocking your greatest breakthrough? What if this felt pain is what you need so that you can truly experience unhindered joy?

Fear, anxiety, grief, anger, guilt, shame, and disappointment are all valid feelings. However, our feelings are always valid, but our actions are not. I encourage you to choose your actions wisely and you feel through these emotions and who knows. Maybe you can stand in an empowered place of having chosen your life rather than merely settling for it.

Learn to feel secure within yourself, no matter what happens.

If you are interested in working with me you can email me at jenniferjolliff@hotmail.com to schedule a complementary connection call for coaching. Until next time, be brave and take heart.