The Surrender in Choosing Oneself

For so long I wanted to be chosen. However, the reason why it felt so important is because I struggled to choose myself.

Whether it was hoping I'd be the first pick for the kickball team or being voted homecoming queen, I thought being "chosen" by others meant something. 

Over and over I minimized my needs in hopes of being loved, accepted, prioritized, and finally chosen. I made myself small to be more palatable. I shape-shifted and contortioned my likes just in the hope someone might like me. Whether it be a friend or something more, it didn't matter. My self-esteem was like a pebble on the ground and knowing I was wanted was enough for me to feel somewhat desirable. The problem was I needed to desire myself.

I didn't desire the real, imperfect, sometimes polarizing self because it meant someone might not like me. 

Thankfully I've come to the place where I much rather like myself than be loved with false pretense by others. I'd rather be loved for who I am than be liked for who I'm not. Not to mention the self-abandonment and self-betrayal behind that is excruciating. 

Choosing Yourself

What Does it Look like and Why is it So Important?

Choosing yourself means prioritizing yourself, your needs, your wants, and your dreams. In addition, it means leaving a relationship that's not aligned with you or a friendship where you are not being respected. Choosing yourself can be polarizing especially when you may have been living within a system where codependency was applauded, praised, or encouraged.

Choosing yourself might also look like walking away from things you thought you wanted. Maybe old dreams don't serve you anymore. Whatever it is, choosing yourself can look different for everyone and it can apply to your work-life balance, your friendships, or your romantic life.

How Does Self Trust Influence Our Ability to Choose?

We make lots of choices in life. We choose where we work, our friendships, our partners, where we live, and who we choose to do life with. We are surrounded by choice, but some might not feel that way. Some might feel pigeon held to a past way of doing things. Maybe it's an old pattern, an old mindset, or a familial burden that feels as if it looms over your every decision. Whatever it is we do have a choice even if we struggle to believe that's true.

We must take personal accountability for our choices and rest in the uncertainty of the ultimate outcome. We must weigh the pros and cons, be intentional, and build the life we want to create. 

If something is no longer in alignment it is okay to let it go, but that is your choice. You have the freedom to choose your path.

Sometimes we feel handicapped when the opportunity for choice knocks on our door. We might not trust ourselves, solely seek counsel from others, or feel so overwhelmed with uncertainty that we self-sabotage to avoid our feelings of fear. Self-trust comes with time, consistency, committing to one's self, and taking baby steps.

Just like implementing any new routine or behavior adopting self-trust takes time and, perhaps, it may even take months. 

Sticking to Your Word

We can make empty promises to ourselves all the time. I'm going to the grocery store today. I'll book a workout class. I'll buy myself flowers. I'd really like to take myself to the beach this weekend. All these phrases are statements that have circulated in my mind but, honestly, for some time I didn't follow through on my word. These promises I made to myself without any follow-through built a sense of personal resentment and a lack of trust in myself. How can I trust myself if I can't even commit to my word? How could others trust me if I didn't trust myself? How could I trust others if I couldn't judge who was worthy of trust?

Self-trust is the key to walking through life with personal integrity, self-consideration, and self-confidence. When you trust that you have your best interest in mind you start choosing others who also have your best interest in mind.

You're no longer looking for others' validation when considering what choice is best for you. No, you have self-trust and you know what is best for you and what gives you peace.

I heard it said once to choose joy. However, to start choosing joy I first had to choose healing, self-forgiveness, self-acceptance, self-accountability, God, and finally peace. I have to choose to feel through, make space for, and embrace all these things before I can become one with joy. 

Choosing oneself brings peace and joy. Once we have chosen ourselves without pretense we can also choose those who are right for us without pretense as well. However, to make empowering choices we must choose to be brave, and feel through our fear so we can build self-trust.

If you are interested in working with me you can email me at jenniferjolliff@hotmail.com to schedule a complementary connection call for coaching. Until next time, be brave and take heart.