Stop People Pleasing and Respect Yourself

I know the feeling. Work stress piles up, you're not where you thought you'd be in life by now, and everyone around you appears as if they "have it together". However, is that true? We know it's unlikely, but with a constant flute of manicured posts and a consistent stream of others' highlight reels, it can sure feel like it.

We are bombarded with how-tos, what's trending, what's in, and what's out, and it is hard to tune into our own radio and figure out what's best for us.

So, how do we cut through the noise and create a life that is meaningful? How do we sew personal joy into the quilt of our busy lives?

Say No More Often

Every time you say yes to something that is not aligned with the person you are or the person you are becoming, you are, in actuality, showing up inauthentically. Do you feel the inching sinking feeling in your chest when you know that an opportunity isn't right for you? Do you have that gut feeling that if you give this person your number, you're going to regret it? These gut feelings are your intuition talking. The more you listen to it, the more it will guide you in the direction that is best for you.

I know trusting this voice can be uncomfortable at first, especially if you were raised not to trust it. The empowering truth is now you can build that inner trust within yourself. You can give yourself that safe place to explore, discover, and find what does and doesn't work for you. The more you can train yourself to look for those patterns and honor what you know deep down is true, the sooner you can find what is right for you. This process takes time, so be patient with yourself as you build this skill.

Stop Caring What Others Think

Oh no, you've said no, and the thoughts start rushing in. Did I make the wrong choice? Will they still like me? Did I do the wrong thing? Did I just blow my shot? Will I get another opportunity? What if I messed up something that could have been good and beautiful?

Breathe. Anxiety is common when showing up in new ways. Your body and mind are unfamiliar with prioritizing your needs and wants first, so doing so may be uncomfortable at first. Your responsibility as a thriving, healthy, and empowered adult is to take care of you first.

How can you show up in your relationships, your work, your family, your friends, or your responsibilities if you don't prioritize yourself first? You can try pouring from an empty cup, but you will be left dry, and others will be left with empty hands.

We love others best when we love and care for ourselves first. Others love us best when we love ourselves well. Humility, integrity, honesty, accountability, and vulnerability should be the benchmark of our lives, but we cannot have these things if we do not respect ourselves and see our own worth first.

The people who see your worth and respect you will be your people. Those who don't are offering you an invitation to honor yourself and kiss those dynamics goodbye. I know life isn't perfect, and we have to work with people who aren't our people. Maybe they can be your inlaws or relatives in your immediate family. Whatever it is, what others think of your choices does not define you. 

This is your life, and you can't let others' opinions or perceptions of you determine how you choose to live your life. You and only you will forever live with the choices you've made. Making choices to please others and not yourself will lead to a life of pain. To embrace joy, you have to be okay with being misunderstood, pave your own path, and voyage onward.

Do Things You Actually Like Doing

What do you actually like doing? No really. Do you really enjoy 5 am pilates and organic green celery juice? Don't get me wrong, I love a good fitness class, but 5 am? That just seems excessive. Sure, if you are an early bird, do what serves you. However, if something doesn't align, there is no need to force it. By being honest with yourself and choosing what actually brings you fulfillment, you are also, in a sense, choosing joy and, respecting what's right for you! 

Why wake up at 4 am for a 5 am pilates class when you can take a class later in the day. That way you don't feel so hurried, rushed, or exhausting. Making choices that are best for you starts with knowing what you want and not settling for less.

Prioritize Your Own Needs

You've been told that being a good person means giving the shirt off your back. However, is that true? 

I remember, as a little girl, I was a part of a kid's summer day camp. We had a lesson in the mornings and then an activity. On the last day, our special activity was going to the local pool. I remember being prepared with my Old Navy flip-flops and a Disney beach towel. A girl came up to me and shared she hadn't brought shoes and needed to borrow mine to walk across the blacktop. Thinking I was being a good person, I offered her my sandals but told her to come right back and return them. 

Some time went by, and I was one of only a few who hadn't made their way to the bus. I was honestly fed up and was determined to get my shoes back. My bare feet on the sizzling asphalt was excruciating. I hopped across the blazing black top as if I were running on a sea of hot rocks. I remember using the few shadows from the basketball hoops for relief. As I got to the other side, I saw the girl talking to a few boys wearing my shoes standing under a canopy of trees, clearly not in a rush to return them. 

I asked for them back, and my burnt toes found comfort.

Why am I sharing this story? There are most certainly good people in this world, but there are also those who don't have your best interest in mind. Those who care about you would never put you in a situation where you have to compromise your personal health, safety, or well-being. This might be common knowledge for most, but the driver to be "liked" can be a strong motivator to act out of character.

Did the girl I lent my shoes to at 7 years old like me anymore for allowing her to use them? No.

Did I make a friend by prioritizing her misfortune over my well-being? Most certainly not.

The sad reality is when we don't respect ourselves, others will struggle to respect us. However, when you start respecting yourself and not tolerating deplorable behavior, others will either walk away or get their act together.

Conclusion

People pleasing may give you short-term comfort, but it will give you long-term disappointment. When we fail to prioritize our needs, we sacrifice our peace for others. The opposite of peace is strife, and the opposite of gratitude is resentment. Some may find it hard to rest in peace when there is constant conflict. Some may find it hard to have gratitude when they resent themselves and others for their personal choices.

When we make choices for ourselves that don't have our best interests in mind, we create conflict within ourselves. There's an internal war between honoring one's self and playing into the familiar pattern of people pleasing. Nevertheless, when we choose to prioritize our own needs, however uncomfortable that may be, we are inviting in peace and gratitude.

If you are interested in working with me you can email me at jenniferjolliff@hotmail.com to schedule a complementary connection call for coaching. Until next time, be brave and take heart.